I have seen some wild stuff happen on the train over the last couple of decades. Most of them were very scary situations, but this is the funniest D.C. train memory I can recall.
I had just gotten off work and was commuting from the Navy Yard station into Virginia. It was winter and very cold, so everyone had on their jackets, coats, scarves and gloves. Early on in the ride, a father and son, who was about 4 or 5 got on, arguing. They were disagreeing so passionately — I had to take off my headphones and listen.
The father was cussing this little boy up and down. He was berating the child, saying how bad he was. “I can’t take your little clown ass anywhere. I knew I should have left you with your momma. When we get home I’m going to beat your little ass real good. Just you wait!” The father sounded like Samuel L. Jackson. Cussed like him, too!
The father was firmly holding the young boy by his shoulder and looking down at him straight in the eyes. The boy was matching his stare and had his arms crossed defiantly with a nonchalant look on his little face. This continued for some time until a woman passenger decided to intervene. She approached the pair. “Sir, you really shouldn’t be talking to him like that,” she said. “This is borderline child abuse.”
Everything stopped, except for the train. Everyone stopped conversing. All the passengers turned to look to see what would happen. The tension was high.
Well, he let her have it! “Lady, you need to mind your own business. But, since you’re so interested, why don’t take his lil’ klepto ass home and raise him!” The father now turns to the son. “Show the nosy bitch what you did. Show her!”
The son smirks and refuses. The father quickly zips down his son’s puffy coat and…I swear, y’all…about 100 Lego pieces fell out! Turns out they had been at the Lego store and the lil’ boy stole a whole rack of Legos!
Oh my goodness, it was hilarious! He had more Legos up his shirt, down his pants and even in the hood of his sweatshirt. I was mighty impressed with that child’s ingenuity. But now I understood the cussing father’s sentiment.
Most of the passengers laughed as the boy hurried to pick up his stolen toys. The concerned woman went back to her seat, shaking her head in disbelief. And we all watched as the father and son exited the train, the father still yelling.
The last thing I heard him say was “I know you learned that bullshit from ya mama. But we don’t steal.”
This memory still makes me laugh. I wish I could see them now, so many years later. I’m sure the father whipped that boy into a great young man … who no longer steals. Ha!
