This article is from Street Sense’s special April Fool’s Edition.
Dr. Demise, once hailed as “the greatest mind in the entire length of human history” (by those who locked him up) turned 59 last week. The mad scientist hails from Slovazikhazicstan where those who knew him as a youth said he enjoyed grave digging and experimenting with lightning and reanimating dead flesh. But after the Cold War ended, Demise moved to America to spread doom and destruction. After several failed experiments and massive accumulated debt from plutonium purchases, he found himself out of a job and out of his seaside laboratory. Demise has sold papers for Street Sense for seven years and has only tried to take over the newspaper twice in that time, a fact he says shows great restraint.
What is your favorite kind of music?
“Probably reggae…but it seems to bother my half-bat half-squirrel species I created. Fledermaus infinitely prefers the Backstreet Boys. Oh…I should explain. I dabble in gene mutation, a hobby I’ve had for about thirty years now, just ask my goat-fish, Ms. Fluffy.
What is your favorite food?
“A hearty serving of dumplings and sauerkraut if I’m feeling indulgent, but food is really just sustenance to keep the mind sharp. After all, what is a mad scientist without his mind?”
What is your favorite movie?
“I could watch Frankenstein every day…there is something so nice about a good how-to show. You learn so much.”
How did you become homeless?
“My particular skill set and work experience made finding universities willing to hire me somewhat difficult. One tiny attempt to freeze the world’s oil supplies, holding them ransom for the world’s diamond supply and suddenly you are no longer ‘tenure track worthy.’ I’ll show them…”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
“Ruler of the WORLD!!! Or maybe opening a small café with a business loan. I do really enjoy baking croissants and I think I have enough collateral on the missile launch site I contracted up on Mars a few years ago.”
