In Other “News” 

This article is from Street Sense’s special April Fool’s Edition.

From Board Room to Cardboard 

AIG bigwigs who are giving back their bonuses are so inspired by the good feeling that they want to do a Homeless Challenge with the National Coalition for the Homeless, and sign up to be Street Sense vendors for a day.  

Due to public outrage, and sharp criticism from President Obama, they also decided to forgo massages, pedicures and vacations to the Swiss Alps and Monte Carlo in order to step up to their homeless challenge.  

One executive, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Since we made so many people homeless and unemployed, we might as well feel what it would be like to be homeless.”  

A reporter asked, “Would returning ALL the bonuses be a better way to sacrifice?”  

The question drew a brusque response.  

“It wouldn’t be capitalism if we gave back our money,” the executive retorted. “Besides it’s unpatriotic! We see urinating in the woods and alleys like our homeless friends as a suitable gesture of solidarity.”  

Nostalgia for a Gentler Age of Greed  

Gordon Gekko, Jeff Skilling and Don King have recently joined in a nonprofit venture for feeding the poor and homeless called White Collar Ministries.  

In their press conference at the National Press Club, they were asked about the greed on Wall Street.  

They responded, “We were very compassionate—we shook hands and asked them for their money. We threw parties and at least gave them a drink or two. But today’s criminals have no ethics. They don’t care about the people they fleece!”  

How the Mighty Have Fallen  

Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is also feeling the effects of the economy, on top of legal fees from her Troopergate scandal. She has recently been seen in a local church asking for canned goods and toiletries.  

“She still combs her hair, but she’s cutting down on the lipstick,” noted Wasilla neighbor Madonna Octomom.”  

Recently she had animal rights activists angry over her decision to pawn her collection of polar bear pelts.  

It’s hard to see a former candidate fall this hard! We hear she might declare early for the 2012 presidential election because of the new wardrobe she’ll get.  

Stocking Up On Firearms and Canned Goods  

Not all businesses are hurting. Hormel has had record sales of its Spam products. Also, cookie jars companies are seeing record orders for cookie jars.  

“Since many on Wall Street have had their hands in the cookie jar, they like to purchase a couple of jars for their bonus money—or even just for old time’s sake,” said lifestyle guru Martha Stewart.  

Retailers are also seeing an uptick in sales of survival gear.  

“It’s like Christmas with our outdoor equipment sales. Tents, charcoal and hibachi grills are being sold out. We can’t keep them in our stores,” reported Ted Bunson, of Sarge’s Military Surplus in Youngstown, Ohio.  

National Park Service spokeswoman Rita Beaver reports an upswing in interest in the outdoors. But few of the tourists are leaving once they reach their destinations.  

“Whole camping villages have sprouted in our national parks,” she said.  

Finally, many CEOs have sold their Lear jets and limos and are riding on Metro buses and trains.  

One formerly high-flying exec we saw coming up the escalator said, “It helps the bottom line. It’s a nuisance using SmarTrip cards, but we are all making necessary sacrifices.” 

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