Content warning: death, suicide
It’s been nine months since my husband passed. I still don’t know what to do with myself. But I’m waking up.
One time I just felt all the things I didn’t want to face. I wanted to die. I wanted to drink myself to death, you know. Sometimes I’ve thought about getting hit by a car like he did. Sometimes I’ve even thought about killing myself.
Today, I’m in a new place with a whole different atmosphere. I don’t get pressured, you know. I don’t get bothered, I’m left alone and I feel good sometimes.
But the pain is still there.
I don’t know when it’s going to go away but I’m fighting it. And I believe God put me here for a reason. I feel more functional. I feel more get-up-and-go. More energy to do little things for myself. I don’t give up and I keep fighting every day; that’s how I live.
I’m living with my older cousin Rita. You know, when I first got here about a month ago all I did was sleep. She didn’t bother me or anything. She’d come around and say, “What you going to do, sleep your life away?” Then she’d leave, you know.
She never said, “Girl, you need to get up and do this and do that! Find your man,” and all that bull crap people try to tell you when you’re in mourning. I don’t have to worry about that, you know. I don’t have to worry about nothing to eat or a roof over my head or washing my tail or brushing my teeth. I am at home and I’m feeling better each and every day.
It’s getting better and I’m getting up now. Talking back to my therapist. I’m ready to go to meetings at Street Sense and I’m getting back into selling my papers. I’m getting up every day and driving to where I have to go. I didn’t want to drive anymore. I was scared to drive. I didn’t want to move on, you know. My husband died in the car accident and I wouldn’t get behind a wheel. But I do get behind the wheel because she never let me sit down. If I say go drive to the store she’s like, “No, do it yourself. You go get it yourself.”
So now I’m learning to drive again, you know. It ain’t easy because I’m still scared but I’m getting there. It’s getting better and I just can’t wait to start these meetings. I can’t wait to get back in medical, you know. Checking on myself and stuff like that. All that was dead. I didn’t want to deal with any doctors right now. Well, I didn’t but now, I do. I can make time to check on my physical health and I’m telling you I am one to get a physical every six months and get my teeth cleaned too.
I take care of myself.
