Today, I no longer cry. I no longer have sleepless nights. I can rest at night and I don’t have nightmares. In the past, I couldn’t sleep at all. I could hardly eat. I couldn’t even breathe my husband’s name without breaking down. I have his pictures all over my wall because I rent a room from my cousin and I look at them every day. I can look at them without crying, so it does go away.
Somehow, I still remember the good times that we had, and I also remember the bad times. All in all, I think it was worth it, the 13 years that I spent with him. God blessed me because I found a good man. He was happy. He was kind. He was religious. He was honest most of the time and good to me. It was hard to give that up. To know that there’s not a man out here like that, who can make me feel the way that he did.
It’s very hard on me. But I’m getting up today. I’m working more at Street Sense since I’m getting better. I’m stronger than I was. And if it wasn’t for God, I don’t think I would be able to do this alone. I’ve been praying to him and asking him to forgive me for the things that I said wrong to Harmony. Before I let him go, I didn’t get a chance to apologize. And I think that’s what hurts the most, that I wasn’t able to say goodbye. Because he was unconscious when I got to the hospital, you know. His brain was already dead so there wasn’t nothing I could say that he could hear. But I tried to tell him, “Please don’t leave me.” But it was God’s will and I believe he got his wings in heaven. But I thank God for blessing me with his time in my life because it was time well spent.
So, if you are going through something where you’ve had a bad loss or you’re unhappy right now and you don’t want to deal with the pain and you think you can’t go on, believe me, you can. The person that you lost would want you to go on and struggle harder for a better life than you had before they were there. I know when my husband looks down on me he’s saying to himself, “Please stop drinking and get your life together ’cause I’m no longer there to help you.” And I’m trying my best to handle that request the best way I can.
So, again, if you are having trouble dealing with the loss of a loved one, all I can tell you is to get down on your knees and pray and ask God to take the pain away for a moment until you can think straight and realize that the person that you lost loves you just as much as you love them, and they want you to live a better life. So when they see you again they can smile knowing their passing built you up instead of tearing you down.
